Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What a Month!
Tonight as I was putting Lila to bed and we were cuddling in the dark, she said, "Mama, I have a secret." She then whispered in my ear, very slowly and carefully, "Do horses have chicks?"
"No," I whispered back.
"Do donkeys have chicks?"
"No. Chickens have chicks."
"Oh. Do daddy chickens have chicks?"
"No. Just mamas. In fact, no daddies have babies except for sea horses."
We snuggled together a little longer. I breathed in the smell of her sweet hair. In the next room, Johnny was making little grunting sounds that meant he was well on the way to sleep. I felt a little sad; tired as I was, I wanted to go back and snuggle with him some more too. (I probably will end up in his bed nursing him sometime between 2 and 4 in the morning. That's been the pattern of late.) And just a few hours ago I was so at the end of my rope, I wanted to run screaming from the house. This love for one's children––my love for my children–– is visceral, sensual, more powerful than anything I've ever experienced.
March came in like a lion and is on its way out, lamblike for sure. I can't remember the last time it actually followed that folkloric pattern. It's been one month since I started writing every day, and there are ways in which I feel transformed by the process. Also ways in which I feel just as lost, overwhelmed, confused, cluttered as ever. (And I haven't touched my novel, The Big Idea.)
But here's what I have gained:
-George Harrison. He is a big big hit in our house.
-More brain space. That was the number one issue with life coaching: too much space in my brain occupied by too many disparate situations. Right now I need to focus on as few things as possible, as such a huge part of my emotional landscape is taken up by my three (human) family members.
-Martha Beck. Oddly, I feel as though I spent the month being coached. I listened to her book Steering By Starlight daily on my iPod during my run. If/when I return to my practice, I will do so with more wisdom, compassion and clarity.
-The knowledge that I am not alone. Thank you. You have affirmed, and continue to affirm that parenthood is a group project.
-Art! I have never had so much fun in my life! I love my new daily practice of painting, drawing, knitting, just using my hands and mind to create. Who knows what's next? I want to ask for a sewing machine for my birthday.
-That uncanny willingness to stop and ask my inner wisdom (or God) what the next right move is in this minute.
-A greater trusting of my "gut." (Or is that the same as inner wisdom/God?)
-Amanda Soule! Thanks to all of you for turning me on to her!
So I plan to continue to blog as much as possible. Maybe even tomorrow. But for now, there is a dog snoring by my feet whom I need to rouse for one more walk in the balmy spring evening. I will look up at the stars and see where the moon is. Then I will come back inside, turn off the lights and join my husband in the bed I've sorely missed. In just a few hours, Lila will come running down the hall yelling, "Surprise!" and I will take her into our bed and snuggle her again. And we have a big day tomorrow.